Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
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If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.