it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
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Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
6: are snakes just neck?
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*