I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
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dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?