I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
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My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
This is a true ally.
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
The dark side of Canada