Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
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HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
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GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
The fall of Netflix
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim