Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
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Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
Rambo Rambow
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.