My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
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Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
GOD: okay everyone gets one thing from this bag of traits
ELEPHANT: i shall take a long nose
GOD: how fun
BUTTERFLY: i shall have beautiful wings
GOD: oho yes very charming
MOSQUITO: i shall be a heinous little b***h
GOD: you know what this is my fault i did put that in the bag
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
me: my friends:
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
Cats (2019)
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.