[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
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time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
they really do be looking like this
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over