e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
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growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
yes yes a thousand times yes!
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
Saint West, the patron of selfies
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.