every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
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After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
They’re really bad with fonts.
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
Sell your car
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary