Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
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What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
A leaf blower, but for people.
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good