All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
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technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
is this a warning or an offer?
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
Just a phase…
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…