The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
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What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”