Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
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Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
This rocks