I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
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Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
All food is good if you spell it wrong
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*