4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
You Might Also Like
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
My favorite female superhero
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’