been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
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🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there