[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
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Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
6. me as a lawyer
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.