I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
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I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.