I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
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That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
🤣🤣💀
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
Pee pressure > peer pressure
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.