Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
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My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.