[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
You Might Also Like
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
what
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*