Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
You Might Also Like
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
I WON A HAM TODAY
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
Love it! 👍😂
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom