Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
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I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
Are we there yet?…
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
i dont have time for this
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.