[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
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me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.