waiter: want to hear our lunch specials?
me: sure
waiter: we have a caesar salad, clam chowder, or club sandwich
me: those things are on the normal menu
waiter: yes but right now you can get them $18
me: they’re usually $12
waiter: today they’re special
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I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet