If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
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ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out