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Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
Breaking news:
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.