I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
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A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pastaHe’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys