I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
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Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
I love you…
…r dog.
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!