Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
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Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
Me, thinking about the time the cashier said, “Come back soon,” and I said, “You too.”
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…