The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
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Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
This could be us… but you playing
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones