[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
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Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
For the baby who has everything
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
won’t smith
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks