If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
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There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
I’m tired tomorrow.
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting