Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
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Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
Don’t we all.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
Running your mouth is not cardio.
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.