A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
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Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
I’m about to risk it all
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.