found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
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I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
“you changed” bro i was 15
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?