Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
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I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her