Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
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Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
taking June’s advice to heart
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
*Inspirational Tweets*
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!