Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
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Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
asked my bf how work was today