Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
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*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
Plumber: I think I found the problem
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?