If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
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It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
fixed it
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.