Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
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Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
Um … Hot Wings please
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
⛄️
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up