You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
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If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
Black Friday “markdowns” like
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
Watermelon Boss!
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat