Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
You Might Also Like
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned