If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
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If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good