If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
You Might Also Like
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
This is the best one I’ve seen
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
The opposite of Iceland is water water