Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
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I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.