*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
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[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
The biggest mystery of our time
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason