If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
You Might Also Like
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball